|Chapter One, Part One
The room seemed almost as dark as her soul. The only light visible was a small light, plugged into the outlet, under the wooden night stand. Her sheets were worn and her blanket was hanging halfway off of the end of her bed. She sat crumpled on the rug next to a pile of dirty laundry, with her forehead leaning against the side of her bed. Despair was her drink and she was gulping it down.
The darkness was so thick that it seemed to seep from her spirit. Feelings of dread had settled on her entire being and she no longer had the strength to fight them. She could no longer find any good in the world. The rejection she had experienced in both church and the world was too much for her to endure any longer. She cried but found no relief. She wept bitterly over her loneliness. With nowhere to turn, she reached for the safe under her bed. In her confused mind, it contained the solution to her problems. She was so desperate for peace. Nothing would silence the accusations of the enemy of her soul like death, or so she thought. But would she be able to pull the trigger?
She stopped for a moment. Tears streamed down her face and her mascara burned her eyes. She rubbed her hand across her face, but only managed to smear it more. With blurred vision, she glanced down at her phone and clicked on the Bible icon. She felt a tug in her heart, distracting her from her current misery. The voices outside were louder and tried to pull her in different directions. She was torn.
“Why keep trying?” Resounded against her skull so loud that it echoed in the room. “Hope in God is futile! It is a waste of time.”
“Her heart shouted back ‘NO!'” and she threw off the negative thoughts like a blanket that was suffocating her. They came back like a strong wind, unwilling to give up the ground.
Storms were eminent in this life, but were her storms visible to God? Weren’t her storms exaggerated far beyond what one person’s soul could bear? Did He even care about her struggles? Did He know how desperately lonely she was or how she just wanted someone to love her? She had become so weary of this God fabricated by human minds and hearts that seemed to merely represent judgment and condemnation for her sins.
Where was the real God of the Bible, who parted the Red Sea before His unbelieving people? She had been searching for the mighty God who brought down the walls of Jericho. She needed the faithful God of Elijah, who sent a chariot to get him at the end of his life. She needed a wise God who was able to detect her tiny faith in the middle of a great sea of doubt. She needed the compassion of a God who forgave her for her sins. No one could help her except for the Son of God who had enough compassion for her that He died in her place so that she could be forgiven. Where was He? Was He still real? Was He ever real? How could she know He was listening to her?
She looked down at the verse. The simplicity of it shook her to the core. It read, “Be still and know that I am God.”