Chapter One, Part Two

Anxiety was evident in her every breath. She didn’t know how to still her soul. She wasn’t even sure how to assimilate this verse. What could Jesus do for her just by her stillness? So many times she had gotten angry and she had acknowledged God. She knew deep down in her heart that Jesus was real but she wanted to push this information away. She wanted to pretend she had never heard it. He had allowed so much evil into her life and it seemed that He had never answered any of her pleadings for mercy. How could Jesus save her when she was so full of despair and anger? Bible verses started coming to her, one after another. They seemed to quiet her questions with answers. Didn’t He reach down and pull a fearful Peter from the Sea? Didn’t He help the doubting man save his son, who asked Jesus to help his unbelief? He took the hand of Thomas and placed it in His side then told him to stop doubting. He had mercy on the prostitute, Mary Magdalen and saved her from being stoned. There was even the prostitute, Rahab in his family line.

Perhaps Jesus was the answer to her doubtful and condemned heart. More questions started to arise from her soul. But they seemed to reverse her doubt. Her thoughts spoke compassion to her. Am I not as important to Him as those before me? The words of a legalistic pastor who preached, “Faith without doubt or you’ll get nothing from the Lord?” seemed to become obsolete in light of this revelation. The Bible was not a set of rules, but a book of stories of God’s mercy and compassion for His people, no matter how small or weak or insignificant. She felt very insignificant at the moment. There was no child to care for who would make her want to live. There were no siblings nor were there any parents who loved her enough to stand by her side. Her mother was dead and her father had disowned her. It would not matter if she ceased to exist. It would not affect anyone else’s life if she ended hers. Her thoughts were pulled back to God and more questions arose from the conflict within her soul.

How could God require faith in such a frail moment of life? Was it possible that He saves because of His compassion, and not because of our perfect ability to believe Him? Jesus was the only person who ever lived with perfect faith. The Psalms were full of verses that said to cry out to Him and He would answer. Was this enough of an act of faith to move His heart in her direction? She did believe, but the doubts seemed to cloud her faith and block her view of God’s answer. She didn’t know what to do with all of this emotion. There were so many questions and so few answers. She was now worried that her doubt would keep God from acknowledging what little faith existed in her being.

“What brought you here?” she heard from the depths of her heart.

Thoughts came to her mind, “People, events, and circumstances are why I am like this.”

“Is Jesus not enough?” Again she felt the comfort of words spoken directly to her heart. It felt like her own voice speaking within her, but soft and caring. This was not something she was used to. She wasn’t used to anyone, even herself, caring about her.

She began to piece together those words. The message was clearer than her own thoughts, so she knew they weren’t her own. Jesus died for the sins of the world. That covered her sins, the sins committed against her, and the events that stood in the way of her living life again. She didn’t need anyone else to help her. Everything that Jesus did during His life was enough to cover all of humanity. Seeking Jesus was the way out of her pain and misery. He wanted to be the Father she didn’t have. He wanted to guide her when she was lost.

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